The Competition

I think we all get those thoughts. You know the ones I'm talking about. The doubts, the fears, the "holycrapI'mreallypyschingmyselfoutandIknowitbutcan'treallystopit" thoughts. I like to believe they happen to the best of us. I figure, a little self-doubt every once in a while never killed anyone. Hell, it probably made people a little bit smarter, more self-aware, all that good stuff.

There comes a limit, though. I do know this. I know this because I am a *professional* in the area of self-doubt. I know this because *AT LEAST* twice a day I find myself questioning a thought, an action, something throughout the course of those 17 hours I'm awake. I'm sorry to inform you if you came here to learn anything spectacular from this post, you probably won't. This is merely my take on self-doubt, self-conflict, and hopefully, one day, complete self-acceptance.

I just read a really awesome graduation speech the other day. Matthew McConaughey spoke at The University of Houston's commencement ceremony recently *swoons*. I mean, the man is beautiful. But I took away more than just "wow, he's got a stellar beard and he's tall and handsome." The guy has some pretty admirable advice, as well. I think my favorite part of his speech talked about this time when he just wasn't really in love with who he was. He basically said on a vacation he took, he finally learned to forgive himself. In regards to this being a commencement speech, I know THAT is the kind of speaker I want to hear. Someone who knows what it's like to not completely be sure of yourself, to not know what you're doing, what's coming next, if what you left behind was the right thing to leave behind.

My favorite line from the speech goes like this: "I shook hands with myself, my best friend, the one we're all stuck with anyway. From that morning on, the adventure was awesome. I was present, out of my own way, not anticipating next, embracing only what was in front of my eyes, and giving everything the justice it deserved."

I am not saying I should be a commencement speaker.

I am saying, however, that I've felt all those things. And I think most of us, even the ones who are incredibly successful in whatever they do, have probably felt these things, too. I'm here, once again, to inform you that you are far from alone in this arena. I think a little self-doubt here and there actually could be healthy, maybe good for us. It's hard to be truly present and not anticipate everything in a world that is constantly going, going, going. I know this, because my planner is filled out to October 2015... I'm so serious. So being present is sometimes really tough for me. Always has been. But I think what I'm able to realize is that I'm 19, and quite literally, my life is happening before my eyes, and I'm not always really noticing. I'm pretty confident I'm not the only one who has made this discovery about themselves. But I guess what I can for sure tell you as a overly-anxious, constant self-analyzing 19-year-old is that I think I've really gotta stop. Stop looking ahead. Stop looking behind. Stop the competition with myself in my own head. And put myself in this moment, here, now, at my kitchen table, with my coffee, writing a blog post that may or may not sound like I'm losing it a little.

Because these moments, in fact, are the moments I want to remember.

And I really do want to make friends with myself. I think I'm kind of cool.

"Doubt, can be a bond as powerful and sustaining as certainty. When you are lost, you are not alone." -Father Flynn, Doubt 


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