Enough

How much is enough, really?

Did you go to the gym today? Plan your meals? Oh, don't forget to meditate. Read for 15 minutes. Car payment is due in four days. That event is coming up, what are you going to wear?

I think every human being at some point or another has questioned whether they were doing enough. Giving enough. Being enough. Maybe you questioned it five minutes ago. Maybe you questioned it five years ago. At the end of the day, not a single person's life has been left unmarked by internal judgment. And that's what I'm here to talk about today.

In the aftermath of trauma, especially sexual trauma, survivors typically experience shame and guilt for what has happened to them. Neurologically, we're beginning to understand how trauma triggers these emotions. But how do you cope? There's enough stressors in everyday life of trying to feel like you're enough, let alone after someone has taken advantage of you, and broken into the home that is your body.

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month, so for someone like me, an advocate for survivors and someone who has dedicated the formation of her nonprofit to helping sexual trauma survivors, this month bears a heavy burden in the form of the world "should." I should do this, I should do that, I should make that post, I should meet with that organization or do that event or whatever. Mind you, this is all internally this month. Each year, April creeps up on me and it's a fresh reminder each time that THE most important thing I should be doing this month is taking care of myself.

As an advocate, and more important, as a survivor, April is a triggering month. I think for anyone who works in this field or is also a survivor or advocate, April can be bittersweet. There's so much momentum from this last year leading into 2018's Sexual Assault Awareness Month, and now more than ever, there is a profound need for the messages of all anti-sexual violence organizations to reach the masses. But in order to do that, those people delivering those messages -- the messages of #metoo, the messages of how to start by believing, the messages of how we can be proactive in ending rape culture, the messages of how to support survivors or fundraise for SANE nurses or literally anything associated with sexual trauma -- those people need breaks. Including yours truly.

The human psyche is not meant to endure copious amounts of trauma everyday. Imagine if you relived a car accident over and over and over again in your head everyday for a month. It's likely you'd reap some physical response to that -- perhaps chest pains, muscle tension, headaches, etc. Sexual trauma is no exception. When we stand up everyday during the month of April in the hopes of making a difference by sharing our stories -- survivors, advocates, mental health professionals, therapists, nonprofit directors -- we subject ourselves to the trauma that is associated with talking about a topic as dismal as rape over and over again, survivors in particular. We mean well, of course. This is not necessarily done willingly. We want to help.

But I know that for me, I also need to help myself.

When you go through therapy in the aftermath of an assault, typically a large theme within therapy for sexual trauma survivors can be the topic of boundaries. For me, this was huge. I didn't know how to set boundaries with anyone or anything prior to my assaults, which in retrospect, learning how to create those boundaries is one of the things I am most grateful for. These boundaries include the way in which you tell your story. I'm learning as I go here, so bear with me. I feel like sometimes during the month of April, I'm a broken record. All I talk about is sexual assault. It's not that I necessarily mean to. But my trauma is a part of who I am and why I do a lot of the things I do now. So, self-care is something I have to hone in on during April, which isn't inherently easy, even if I'm conscious of the fact that it needs to be done. Of course I want to support as many events and organizations and survivors as possible. But I, along with every other person fighting this fight to create a world where sexual violence isn't the norm, are only allotted a certain amount of energy to give to that.

My job here is not to remind people of the trauma I've endured or to make my story into a sob story -- because it isn't. My job is to let others know they aren't alone. My job is to let others know that the pathway to healing, while not linear, is worthwhile and can be filled with more joy than they could've ever imagined. My job is to take care of myself so I can take care of others. My job is to become the best version of myself so that others receive that version. My job is to share my story so that others know that even pageant queens can get pulled below the surface by trauma. And even more so then that, my job is to let others know that they can breathe again. They can trust again. They can love again. But it all starts with them. It starts with you. And it starts with me. Without the care and love of ourselves, we can't possible provide all the gifts we have to the world. And trust me, the world needs your gift.

If you are tirelessly fighting to end the epidemic of sexual violence this month (and any month), know that I am beyond thankful for your work. Take care of yourself, and I'll do the same.





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